Anger and Gratitude

Hello all, this is Mordy talking. Esther is in Israel, and so I'm taking over for a while. Her blog posts have been very good (at least I've enjoyed reading them). I hope that I'll live up to the high standard that she's already set.

Today I wanted to talk about something that surprised me recently. In general, people who know me, I think, would describe me as relatively laid-back and even keeled. That is to say, at least before the stroke, I didn't get angry very easily.

But recently, on at least two occasions, I have sort of blown up at people who probably didn't deserve it. I'm not going to mention the circumstances, because that would reveal who these people are. But suffice it to say that both of these people had good intentions, were trying to help me, and I found it annoying. In both cases, I responded inappropriately.

I see two things going on here: the first, is that I have a very hard time accepting help. Even in these kinds of circumstances. And this feeling becomes all the more intense as I become more and more capable of doing things for myself. And now, there are all sorts of things that I can do. I can cook, clean, read, write, shop, make my own way to the doctor (at least one in town), and basically make my own way in life. Walking is still difficult, serious exercise just a step below impossible, and I cannot drive myself anywhere (which I find terribly frustrating). But all this progress is great! It's also a bit deceiving. I look and talk like myself, I feel like myself, but I'm still limited. And I find myself bumping up against the limits all the time.

Now, I have always been an independent person. I don't know if it's because I was an only child, or if it's because it was the way I was raised, or if it's just part of my personality. But I am, I know, fiercely independent. I'm gratified that people have helped me so much. And I would deeply want to thank all the people who are giving me rides on a daily basis. But none of that takes my frustration away. So, I am frustrated. And I'm trying to learn patience in the face that frustration.

The second thing that's going on is something I didn't realize until this weekend. I am angry. I'm angry that I had a stroke at 40. I'm angry that I spent so much time on my diet and my health and I still had a stroke at 40. I think that anger has come out on at least two occasions and zapped people who were in the way. I do feel bad about that. But I think both of those people understand what's going on.

I'm reminded of the story of Uzza which is early on in the second book of Samuel. He and his family are taking the holy Ark up to Jerusalem on a cart. As the Ark begins to slip off the back of the cart, Uzza reaches out to to halt its fall. This seems reasonable. The Ark shouldn't hit the ground, right? But of course, the power of the holy Ark is such that Uzza is wiped out of existence; just zapped and gone. No real fault of his own, but you don't muck around with divine power. Maybe my anger functions like this. It's a powerful thing to be angry. Anger can be a great motivational force. And I am using it in my physical therapy to keep me going when I get tired. But power is power, and sometimes innocent folks get in the way.

So I'm working on my anger. I'm seeing someone (someone professional) to talk these issues through. I think that's wise. Don't you?

But if you do see me, and I do seem suddenly angry to you, then I hope you'll understand the reason why. I hope you'll forgive me as I work these things out.

(Oh, and by the way, I should probably mention that I'm grateful to be alive. I'm also grateful that I have an Address for my gratitude. I continue to find my religious life of great consolation in the face of all these troubles. Part of the problem here is, probably, that I haven't yet found an address for my anger.)

Two more things: I really do want to thank everyone who has contacted me and given me wishes of love and support. I have enormously appreciated all the support, whether material or moral. And I cannot thank all of you enough.This community, whether here in Highland Park, or around the world has embraced us and helped us to find our way in a very dark time. I thank you all for the kindness, generosity, and true lovingkindness that you have shown us.

Lastly, I really need to think Esther, who saved my life, and is the love of my life. My progress is her progress. The support you have given her is just as important as the support you have given me.  The words are not adequate, but I thank Esther as publicly as I can for the love and support that she has given me over the last few weeks, and over the course of our lives together.

Kol tuv,

Mordy